So, a few weeks ago, I closed the door on over six months of living with eHarmony. For those of you who have no clue what that is, it's just one of those internet sites where a man and a woman can meet...in search for a soul mate. I actually don't like the other sites (not that I've even tried them yet), but eHarmony provided some safeguards in the process. As time went on and more and more men were 'closing' me due to 'distance' (a good screen, don't you think?) or 'other', I kind of stopped caring a lot about it.
That doesn't mean I don't want to be married one day to a good man, but I will not set aside my life in search for said good man. I will just trust the Lord through the hard times and the glorious times of being single.
One of my married friends, who also lives here in Russia, wrote me this summer:
"I know having a husband and kids is not all it's cracked up to be. In fact, because of that, I often hope others will have compassion on me (and help me!) through this 'hard season' of life. But the difficulties you face are for a long season and probably deepening with time, and yet it seems no one is allowed to say, it must be hard. So I'm going to risk saying that. It must be hard. It must be harder than I can understand. God is asking you to be faith-full in a very hard circumstance.
I know I can't imagine the emotional and logistical exhaustion as you move and travel and adapt. I get sympathy when I do it, but you deserve it too, and admiration--for setting off with God as your only Helper and Companion and Provider. I pray that you would experience Him in these ways anew this summer. And I pray that He would bless you in a new way soon with a physical manifestation of His grace and love≈in an earthly husband!"
I greatly appreciated her letter. It was much longer, so please don't think that's all she said. If there is anything that sounds offensive in it to your ears, it is more than likely because I only quoted parts and not the whole, so you couldn't hear her heart.
Another dear married friend, who has struggled in her longing for children, wrote that same week:
Regarding having children, is it difficult for you? I am wondering if I have been self centered thinking about myself desiring kids. It dawned on me that you might have as much of a desire for children as I do. Just wondering what your thoughts are...
And here was my answer:
I guess it is difficult for me sometimes. There are times, as I'm watching the children of my friends or just observing a little tike on the street with his/her parents, that something inside is tweaked. But my first desire is for a husband, someone with whom I can share this adventure of life and someone who actually sees me, pursues me, knows me and loves me through the good, bad, and ugly. I believe that your desire for children is similar to my desire for marriage to a good man...they are equally legitimate and intense desires that come at different stages of life. Based on that theory, I would guess that my desire for children will only grow exponentially once I am married.
Of course there are times as I watch teenagers bucking up against their parents as they're trying to figure out the world around them and where they fit in, or babysit my friends' kids who are both screaming/crying at the same time and I have no way to console them, or watch a little tike throw a tantrum in public...perspective comes and I remember just how challenging being a parent would be. And I wonder, "Wow, would I be up for such a high responsibility for another human?" Of course, the same could be true of my desire for marriage, as I watch friends (and parents) going through divorce, friends whose marriages are anything but life-giving, and friends whose marriages are great but such hard work in order to be great...perspective comes and I remember just how challenging being a spouse would be. And I wonder, "Wow, would I be up for such a high challenge of growth with a complicated man?"
Those questions probably come from a core of seeing that the older I get, the more I see my own selfishness and set-in-my-ways-ness...and it scares me. I do not want to become a heartless, closed, selfish old spinster. Rather, I want to embrace life and be a life-giver to others, whether I'm ever a wife or a mother.
I must close this post with a hilarious poem by Russian satirical poet Eduard Asadov, entitled STRANGE GIRL. First a few disclaimers: for those of you who are my friends, do not take offense at the statement about the girl's friends. And it's a very rough translation, lacking the iambic pentameter that would be there if I had a better grasp of both Russian and English. Also, this girl's view on life is not mine...I don't think I have my head in the clouds....but the poem makes me laugh. I hope it does you, too.
STRANGE GIRL**
Some, secretly and behind her back,
Call her 'a strange girl'.
Others call her 'Princess' and 'Proud'
And still others simply call her 'a blue stocking.'*
Birds fly in pairs,
The soul seeks another living soul.
Young men walk their girlfriends home from the movie,
But this one runs home alone.
Winters and springs in a motley chain
Speed along, running one link after another.
See, her unattractive girlfriends
All got married long ago.
People are constantly telling her, "It's time to decide,
Men, after all, will not wait...take that into consideration!"
A little while longer, and she'll remain a virgin forever,
She's pushing 30 as it is.
No way! She hasn't liked even one person?
She will look with the eyes of a dreamer,
"To like--to have liked--so what?"
Surprisingly shrugging her shoulders.
What kind of love is she waiting for?
She want to scream, "The love of a falling star!
A beautiful, beautiful love. A big, big love!
And if in my life I don't encounter such love,
Then I don't need any kind at all!"
*This phrase of 'blue stocking', I hear, actually came from America. I had never heard it before. When people say this, they are always referring to a woman who is very capable and wise, but never has time for men.
** The poem is not very aesthetically pleasing, because it's supposed to be split in stanzas of four lines, with the final stanza made up of five. For some reason, typepad is not allowing me to edit as I would like, as evidenced by the bizarre font changes throughout this particular post. Oh well! Maybe I'll learn eventually. :)
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