April Showers

5 commandments of dating

My friend Coleen pointed this article out to me.  I haven't been on an official date for Y E A R S, so I'm out of the practice, but the article made me laugh. 

Oh, and the not-dating thing was not instigated by me deciding I would kiss dating goodbye (though back when that book came out, I was on a courtship-is-the-only-way kick, which cracks me up, since it was all theoretical and based on no reality in April's life whatsoever).  It just seems men don't consider me dating material.  No skin off my hide.  Someday my imperfect but made-for-me prince will come.  Here's for hoping.

courage from the word #5: you are not alone

This is the last installment of Courage from the Word. See the bottom of this entry to understand why it's in the 'singleness' category, too. On the last morning of our debriefing conference, Scott Shaum encouraged us with the following:

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. [John 14:18]

You're never alone. He's always there.

The feeling of loneliness is not my ultimate reality, yet He understands those feelings. From John 1, we see that He came to His own, and His own did not receive Him. We also see, in combing through the gospels, that Jesus understands the loneliness. His family didn't understand Him. His disciples missed the point. He lived with unresolved conflict. There was major tension with religious leaders. He spoke of having no place to lay his head. He came to help, and He was rejected.

And yet, in the midst of that very lonely ministry, His relationship with His Father was vital. He says He is not along (John 8:16) and that the Father has not left Him alone (John 8:29). He was always profoundly aware of God's Presence in His life, and He lived that reality.

Even when the ache of loneliness is deepest, He's always there.

As we grow in our ability to sit alone with the Father, that's when we sense His Presence and know we are not alone.

In describing his ministry, Jesus often said, "I never do anything on my own. I only do what my Father does." Can you imagine how powerful our ministries would be if we lived this truth? [not just our 'ministries', but just our entire way of life] What would be the quality of our journey?

In John 14, verses 20 and 23, we see that we are invited into the Trinity's inner circle and that they make their home in us. [This is a profound and beautiful mystery.]

Ministry out of Presence (rather than out of competency or skill) is powerful.

Perhaps you had a painful childhood. Our childhood experiences and family of origin always bleed into our adult experiences as a source of pain. Do you fear being alone?

It is important to honor what you are feeling or struggling with, BUT you must live out of the truth that He is your reality, and that He will help you navigate the murky waters of your emotions.

One of the ways we tend to sabatoge ourselves is when we strive, strive, strive to get fixed or to fix ourselves, rather than just resting in His presence and love and allowing Him to heal us in His timing. By what 'prescriptions' am I trying to live in my walk with God? Surrender the prescriptions, and rest in Him.

Meditate on the reality:
I'M NOT ALONE. HE IS HERE.
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When Scott was saying these things, my jaw nearly dropped to the ground.

The day before, I was spending some time with his wife, Beth. I was processing some of the major stressors in my last three years, including some major struggle with my singleness (unrequited love in my first year in Russia) and with many of my friends leaving Russia or leaving my area of Russia (due to organizational upheaval, which is common on the mission field, unfortunately).

After I had verbally processed through all that pain, Beth looked at me and asked, "April, what is your greatest fear?"

As soon as she asked the question, the answer came to me, but I could not believe it. The Holy Spirit wouldn't let me think anything else except that answer, though, and after a few seconds of struggle against it, I finally answered out loud, "You know, I've never ever consciously realized this or even considered it, but I guess it's the fear of being left alone."

She gave me a knowing look (as in, duh, that's what it sounded like it was). :) Then she asked me what I believe about God in the area of my singleness.

I told her that, in my worst moments, I believe the same lie Eve succumbed to--that God is holding out on me.

You can imagine the combination of consternation and delight I was feeling as I listened to Scott's words the next morning. Beth later told me that she didn't share anything with Scott; she was just as surprised as I was at the content. So I would say the words above were a direct word from the Lord to me.

Since that revelation, I have been pondering the source of that fear and considering how to live in the truth of God's Presence and Love for me. John, in his first epistle, says it this way: Perfect love casts out fear.

Father, illuminate the areas I am not trusting you with my heart. Teach me to rest in Your love and to live out the truth of that love, that I would not fear but would live in humble courage.

united passion: confession of a hopeless romantic

Did any of you see Barbara Walters' interview with Terri Irwin, the widow of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin?

Let me tell you, I am a sucker for romance. And what I saw as I watched Terri speak of meeting Steve, going on their first adventure together, and her life with him was nothing short of beautiful. Before meeting Steve, she had been working in Oregon in wildlife rehabilitation. Her passion for the animal kingdom matched his, which is evident as she talks about her first adventure down the river in the Australian Bush, surrounded by crocodiles, bats, and bugs. She just oozes passion.

All I could think was, "Man, there is no doubt in my mind that God created those two for each other!"

And I got to thinking. . .

When two people with similar passions are united, it packs a powerful punch of beauty.

Terri spoke of how, with Steve's death, we must all take on the mantle as 'Wildlife Warriors'...that his death would not be in vain. I must admit that I am far from a Wildlife Warrior, but I was moved by her passion in that plea.

Perhaps I am an idealist, but I am praying that the man who one day pursues me and marries me will be a man who shares my passions--for Christ, for the world, for learning, and maybe even for teaching and for Russia. I want to share a life of adventure and beauty, while reflecting God's glory to others as a couple.

Some of you are rolling your eyes and thinking, "April and her pipe dreams," but I am free to dream.

Yeats, Reagan, and my future husband

For several years, I have been praying for my future husband.  I started praying in 1988, just before my 14th birthday. 

It started at DC '88, a youth conference on evangelism, held in Washington, D.C, and sponsored by Youth for Christ.  To find out why, read this tribute to President Reagan, written soon after his death: Download to_reagan.doc.

Unfortunately, in the last year, I stopped praying so regularly for my future husband.  Part of it is that my prayer journal is in need of a major overhaul, and so my discipline of prayer through it has diminished (the overhaul will take place in the fall during my sabbatical).  Though my conversational prayer with the Lord through the day is alive and well, the regular habit of praying for this man, whoever he may be, has decreased.  But, if I were totally honest, I think part of it was that I just kind of gave up, lost hope.  Recently, Anna and I started holding each other accountable to pray for our future husbands.

Hope, that most illusive and beautiful of characteristics, is an absolute necessity in any area of life.  It is so intricately linked with faith, that the two cannot be easily distinguished (which is a scary sentence to write, due to the ramifications...have I lost faith in God's ability to provide?  Heaven forbid!).  Recently, by the grace of God, a sparkle of hope has come back into my heart, and I rejoice at the light it produces.

I am right now reading a book by Paula Rinehart called Sex and the Soul of a Woman.  Quite an interesting read so far, I must say.  Here is an excerpt:

...[T]he longing to realize our beauty and to have this beauty known awakens something deep within us.  And if we listen to this, we will become aware of an even deeper longing.  We long for a man to see the worth in us and to cherish it--so much so that he returns over and over, always wanting more.  It's scary to realize how deeply we long for something we can't guarantee.

One of William Yeat's most-loved poems, "When You Are Old," hints at what it looks like when a man has been able to let a woman's desirability guide him to the essence beyond the initial attraction.  The voice is that of a man as he speaks to a woman he has known well for many years.

When you are old and grey and full of sleep

And nodding by the fire, take down this book,

And slowly read, and dream of the soft look

Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep.

How many loved your moments of glad grace,

And loved your beauty with love false or true,

But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,

And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

Is there a woman alive who does not long for a man who knows her so intimately that he sees and loves the "pilgrim soul" in her?  It is so right to long for this, for this longing guides you to the best a man has to give.  To know a woman's beauty to its depth is what a man was meant to desire deeply.  This "secret garden" [reference to a Bruce Springsteen song] may not be something he ever truly realizes, but it is so appealing that he will spend the rest of his life in pursuit of it. . .

It is important to realize that this tender, inviting feminine beauty does not originate with a woman herself.  It owes its source to the heart of God, to his very image imprinted at the depth of her being in all its loveliness.

Oh, my, my!  Yes indeed!

To see more of my thoughts, written to some girlfriends in late 2003/early 2004, after reading another book, Download longing_and_sorrow.doc.

There are three things that are too amazing for me,

four that I do not understand;

the way of an eagle in the sky,

the way of a snake on a rock,

the way of a ship on the high seas,

and the way of a man with a maiden.

--Proverbs 30:18-19

Oh, to be that maiden....what joy it could be.  To be a source of blessing to a good man, who is passionate about the Lord and loves Him even more than he loves me.

And now, if you will permit me, I will take some time to pray for my future husband:

Father God, thanks that You are the source of my hope, the source of any beauty I possess.  I pray that I will trust You fully, knowing that You are more concerned about this area of my life than I am. 

Father, I pray for my future husband today, that You will draw him close and give him a sense of peace and strength.  Guide his steps today, and give him wisdom.  I trust You for the journey that will bring us together. 

I also pray that You will continue to prepare my heart to be a blessing to this man.  I trust You with my heart, and surrender to Your will.

In the name of Jesus, Amen

so, why aren't you married?

Check out this article in Christianity Today!  It's very good...resonates with my heart and experience.  Here is a fun paragraph from that article:

Sometimes I think that one of the primary works God has done in my life is to tenderize and enrich my heart through the "Why aren't I married?" struggle—the suffering I still hesitate to call by that name for fear of others rolling their eyes. But instead of the disappointment leaving me a cold, bitter, angry wench or a hotly desperate man-eater, it's wrought a heart more capable of and committed to giving and receiving love. That, in my estimation, is miracle-level material. And though anything might happen tomorrow, that is the work of God I've seen today.

Below is something I wrote a few years ago about my experience in Russia.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been confronted with such questions here.  This last weekend, I spoke at a women's retreat we sponsored, and talked about this 'national pastime' and how we, as women, should respond to such questions, not with desperation or clamor, but with patience and wisdom, entrusting our lives to the One who leads us and cares for us moment-by-moment.

Conversations with taxi drivers can be very interesting and even revealing of national attitudes here in Russia.  For instance, today on my way to my lesson, the taxi driver asked me a question that most taxi drivers seem to ask me, “Are you married?”  To which I answered in the negative.  After asking my least-favorite question on this subject (‘Why not?’), he then asked how old I was (which is not a taboo question here in Russia).  When I replied that I was 29, he said, “Oh no!  It’s time!  You must get married; it’s time for children in your life.”  As if I’m past my prime or something.

Although I occasionally encounter such reactions in the States, here it seems to be a national pastime to lecture single women beyond the age of 25 on the benefits of promptly running to the altar, regardless of the character of the groom.  Just find a husband, quick!  Sadly, the majority of marriages here are not happy arrangements, due to abuse of alcohol and abuse of each other.  I simply replied to the driver that I am waiting on the Lord and will not settle for cheap goods.  I told him that I will trust the Lord, whether He provides me with a husband or not.  He seemed rather surprised at my words, and was concerned that trusting God might not be enough in order for me to be taken care of without a husband (which led to another often-asked-and-not-taboo question, “How much money do you make?”). . .

Single women on the mission field

The download below features an article about single women missionaries, written by a woman who was serving at a conference I attended last fall.  I was involved in this round-table discussion with some other women who are serving in this area of the world.  It was interesting and enlightening.  I'd have to say, though, that after hearing some of the 'horror stories' of these ladies, I am VERY thankful for the teams I've been on...

Download mar06_lite33412006231.pdf

learning to live in the middle

In honor of Valentine's Day, this post is for all my single friends:

At a women’s conference I attended in Moscow a few years ago, a woman got up to speak about singleness.  I must admit that my first thought was, ‘Great, another talk on this topic—it’ll be like all the rest of them.’

 

Boy, was I in for a surprise!  She spoke of learning to ‘live in the middle’.  In the middle of what?  There is a spectrum that we tend to swing back and forth on (I usually had thought of these more as cycles.): from martyrdom (acceptance without longing) to demandingness (longing without acceptance).

 

Learning to live in the middle, then, is accepting singleness (or anything the Lord gives you) as a gift, while being real about your longings.  For a woman who has always been a fan of ‘balance’, this really struck a chord with me.  That is my desire:  to learn what it means to live in the middle, not only concerning my singleness but also other things in my life (life in Irkutsk, ministry, relationships, etc.).

Andrea Bucczinski says that we tend to understand God by how we view our circumstances, but we need to look at our circumstances in light of WHO HE IS.

If God is loving, good, all-knowing. . . then singleness must be the best thing for me.  It helps me to accept the gift when I know my Giver.

Happy Valentine's Day to my precious single friends.  May the Lord remind you of His precious, lavish love today!

Just who was Saint Valentine?

Confessions of an eHarmony dropout

So, a few weeks ago, I closed the door on over six months of living with eHarmony.  For those of you who have no clue what that is, it's just one of those internet sites where a man and a woman can meet...in search for a soul mate.  I actually don't like the other sites (not that I've even tried them yet), but eHarmony provided some safeguards in the process.  As time went on and more and more men were 'closing' me due to 'distance' (a good screen, don't you think?) or 'other', I kind of stopped caring a lot about it. 

That doesn't mean I don't want to be married one day to a good man, but I will not set aside my life in search for said good man.  I will just trust the Lord through the hard times and the glorious times of being single.

One of my married friends, who also lives here in Russia, wrote me this summer:

"I know having a husband and kids is not all it's cracked up to be. In fact, because of that, I often hope others will have compassion on me (and help me!) through this 'hard season' of life. But the difficulties you face are for a long season and probably deepening with time, and yet it seems no one is allowed to say, it must be hard. So I'm going to risk saying that. It must be hard. It must be harder than I can understand. God is asking you to be faith-full in a very hard circumstance.

I know I can't imagine the emotional and logistical exhaustion as you move and travel and adapt. I get sympathy when I do it, but you deserve it too, and admiration--for setting off with God as your only Helper and Companion and Provider. I pray that you would experience Him in these ways anew this summer. And I pray that He would bless you in a new way soon with a physical manifestation of His grace and love≈in an earthly husband!"

I greatly appreciated her letter.  It was much longer, so please don't think that's all she said.  If there is anything that sounds offensive in it to your ears, it is more than likely because I only quoted parts and not the whole, so you couldn't hear her heart.

Another dear married friend, who has struggled in her longing for children, wrote that same week:

Regarding having children, is it difficult for you? I am wondering if I have been self centered thinking about myself desiring kids. It dawned on me that you might have as much of a desire for children as I do. Just wondering what your thoughts are...

And here was my answer:

I guess it is difficult for me sometimes. There are times, as I'm watching the children of my friends or just observing a little tike on the street with his/her parents, that something inside is tweaked. But my first desire is for a husband, someone with whom I can share this adventure of life and someone who actually sees me, pursues me, knows me and loves me through the good, bad, and ugly. I believe that your desire for children is similar to my desire for marriage to a good man...they are equally legitimate and intense desires that come at different stages of life. Based on that theory, I would guess that my desire for children will only grow exponentially once I am married.

Of course there are times as I watch teenagers bucking up against their parents as they're trying to figure out the world around them and where they fit in, or babysit my friends' kids who are both screaming/crying at the same time and I have no way to console them, or watch a little tike throw a tantrum in public...perspective comes and I remember just how challenging being a parent would be. And I wonder, "Wow, would I be up for such a high responsibility for another human?" Of course, the same could be true of my desire for marriage, as I watch friends (and parents) going through divorce, friends whose marriages are anything but life-giving, and friends whose marriages are great but such hard work in order to be great...perspective comes and I remember just how challenging being a spouse would be. And I wonder, "Wow, would I be up for such a high challenge of growth with a complicated man?"

Those questions probably come from a core of seeing that the older I get, the more I see my own selfishness and set-in-my-ways-ness...and it scares me. I do not want to become a heartless, closed, selfish old spinster. Rather, I want to embrace life and be a life-giver to others, whether I'm ever a wife or a mother.

I must close this post with a hilarious poem by Russian satirical poet Eduard Asadov, entitled STRANGE GIRL.  First a few disclaimers: for those of you who are my friends, do not take offense at the statement about the girl's friends.  And it's a very rough translation, lacking the iambic pentameter that would be there if I had a better grasp of both Russian and English.  Also, this girl's view on life is not mine...I don't think I have my head in the clouds....but the poem makes me laugh.  I hope it does you, too.

STRANGE GIRL**

Some, secretly and behind her back,

Call her 'a strange girl'.

Others call her 'Princess' and 'Proud'

And still others simply call her 'a blue stocking.'*

Birds fly in pairs,

The soul seeks another living soul.

Young men walk their girlfriends home from the movie,

But this one runs home alone.

Winters and springs in a motley chain

Speed along, running one link after another.

See, her unattractive girlfriends

All got married long ago.

People are constantly telling her, "It's time to decide,

Men, after all, will not wait...take that into consideration!"

A little while longer, and she'll remain a virgin forever,

She's pushing 30 as it is.

No way!  She hasn't liked even one person?

She will look with the eyes of a dreamer,

"To like--to have liked--so what?"

Surprisingly shrugging her shoulders.

What kind of love is she waiting for?

She want to scream, "The love of a falling star!

A beautiful, beautiful love.  A big, big love!

And if in my life I don't encounter such love,

Then I don't need any kind at all!"

*This phrase of 'blue stocking', I hear, actually came from America.  I had never heard it before.  When people say this, they are always referring to a woman who is very capable and wise, but never has time for men.

** The poem is not very aesthetically pleasing, because it's supposed to be split in stanzas of four lines, with the final stanza made up of five.  For some reason, typepad is not allowing me to edit as I would like, as evidenced by the bizarre font changes throughout this particular post.  Oh well!  Maybe I'll learn eventually.  :)